wake up i wanna do it froggy style
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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