Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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