Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
