Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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