Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
