my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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