Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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