We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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