I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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