My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
