That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
