I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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