At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
