Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
