DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize