I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
