I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
