party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I pour the whiskey from now on
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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