dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
