yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
