My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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