Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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