i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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