You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize