So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
