I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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