R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
