I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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