I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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