I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
