While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
