Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
