Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
