Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
