I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
