Old men and throwing up are my life now.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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