Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
