Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
ttyl tear gas
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
