I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
