apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
tell me about the eggs
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
