i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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