Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize