i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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