I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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