I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
