You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize