Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
