Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
