GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
