Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
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