Is it because I queefed?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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