guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
