i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
