Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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