Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
