just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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