Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize