girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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