meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
