Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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