Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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