the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
