a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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