My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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