eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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