Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
