i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
