I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
