She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt๐
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
Randomize