My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
