My friends, they love my intelligence
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
