Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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