my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize