so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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